At the time, I was quite insecure. I didn’t think I was
beautiful or thin enough to be what a man truly wanted and I was worried that
soon after getting married, my husband would realize that he could have done
better. I had observed the dynamic in several other couples. I knew that it was
normal for a man to admit his wife’s faults or even talk about his attraction
to other women in front of her. These things, after all, constitute honesty,
which is to be valued over all.
My husband was never honest with me, as I saw it. If we were
watching a movie together and I pointed out how beautiful the actress was, he
would scoff and make comments such as, “What are you talking about, she looks
nothing like you.” I found it endearing, but also frustrating. I knew he was
lying to me and that bothered me.
Fourteen years later, I have realized that my husband’s
constant insistence that I was perfect, was the greatest gift anyone has ever
given me. You see, what he really gave me was the gift of being unsure. He
tells me that my rounded curves and extra padding make up, “the most beautiful
body in the world.” He tells me I don’t need make up and my hair is gorgeous in
a ponytail. He tells me I am as lovely as the day he met me and he adores me
more now than then. He tells me every other woman pales in comparison and he
will never be worthy of me. Is he truly so deluded? I DON’T KNOW. When I was
young, I was certain he was lying out of love for me. But years and years of
hearing something can leave you wondering whether or not it’s actually true.
The greatest gift my husband ever gave me was to make it so
that I don’t know whether or not he is being honest. Because somewhere in my
heart there’s a part of me that whispers, “Maybe he’s telling the truth.” Why
is that uncertainly so important? Because the young woman I was at the
beginning of this marriage had no idea it was possible to be loved like that. I
do.
