Being Fat is Hardly My Worst Trait

Let’s get the main points out in the open up front. Yes. I know I’m fat. No. I’m not proud of it. Yes. I wish I were thin and beautiful and the epitome of health. No. I do not want to join your clean eating group, weight loss challenge, life style adjustment, exercise contest, or anything else. Perhaps I am lazy. Perhaps I am discouraged. But, more likely, I am just imperfect in many, many ways.

You see, I have never been happy with my body. My eyes have always shied away from mirrors. I’ve never had a healthy relationship with a bathing suit. I have experimented with diet, exercise and supplements. I have restricted myself to tomato juice, or cabbage soup, or lean proteins. I have seen the pounds drop off and felt euphoric at my progress. I have changed my mindset so drastically that I have, before, felt a flutter of sickness at the sacrament bread, not wanting to consume those refined carbohydrates. I have never been a better person for it.

I have friends who have managed the weight-loss journey with much more success. I don’t mean success as a number of pounds; I mean it as a function of self-improvement. They have increased self confidence, become better parents and bumped up their energy. I have never had these benefits. With each new diet, I simply feel discouraged and obsessed. I hate the mirror more. What I do is never enough. I obsess over food to the detriment of my spirit and my family. My self-worth becomes dependent on meeting that next milestone. And then I crash. I fail. I quit and I remember how worthless I really am.

So, then, it would seem that I’m advocating for a horribly false principle. It seems that I am arguing that I am incapable of self improvement, that I cannot change, that I have no ability to define my own destiny. That’s not at all what I believe. In fact, I will bear passionate testimony of the words of President Boyd K. Packer when he said, “It is contrary to the order of heaven for any soul to be locked into compulsive, immoral behavior with no way out! It is consistent with the workings of the adversary to deceive you into believing that you are.” I am absolutely certain that change is always possible. Hard, yes, but completely possible.

So how does that jive with my pathetic excuses for remaining fat?

I also believe the words of Elder Oaks. “The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives.”

I don’t like the person I am when I diet. I don’t like obsessing over how my pants fit. I don’t like thinking about food all day until I finally am able to permit myself the selected calorie count. I don’t like being unable to climb down from the treadmill for another 20 minutes when my children need attention now. I don’t like the discouragement, the self-loathing, or the obsessive tendencies that I know are clearly discernible to my children.

The largest reason for not doing it, though, is simply that I am so imperfect in so many ways. I need to spend more time studying the scriptures. I need to spend more time reading with my struggling child. I need to spend more time tending my home. I need to spend more time working on my calling. I need to be better at budgeting and financial planning. I wish I was kinder. I wish I was more empathetic. I wish I did more service. I wish I had more time to write my personal history. I wish I did more temple work.

I admire the women who manage to do weight loss challenges and not sacrifice other priorities. I absolutely believe it’s possible. It’s just not in the cards for me right now. Please invite me to do any type of self improvement that has made a difference in your life. I am excited for you as you reach your goals. But don’t feel bad if I don’t join you. I am working on self improvement in the best ways I can. I am attempting to change, progress and improve. I just have so many different areas that I need to work on. I have decided to divert my eyes from the mirror for a few seconds every day. I loose those seconds, but not the whole day. Perhaps, as I improve myself over time, I will someday find time to prioritize my physical condition. But if not, I will at least hope that I can improve myself to the point that I can look in the mirror and love who I am, regardless of my body shape. I truly do want to be that kind of person.

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