Women and Motherhood

I recently taught a lesson on women and motherhood. In the process, I compiled a very extensive list of quotes from conference talks. I wanted to share them.

When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this. 

–Neal A. Maxwell

We salute you, sisters, for the joy that is yours as you rejoice in a baby’s first smile and as you listen with eager ear to a child’s first day at school which bespeaks a special selflessness. Women, more quickly than others, will understand the possible dangers when the word self is militantly placed before other words like fulfillment. You rock a sobbing child without wondering if today’s world is passing you by, because you know you hold tomorrow tightly in your arms.

 –Neal A. Maxwell

During my professional career as a doctor of medicine, I was occasionally asked why I chose to do that difficult work. I responded with my opinion that the highest and noblest work in this life is that of a mother. Since that option was not available to me, I thought that caring for the sick might come close. I tried to care for my patients as compassionately and competently as Mother cared for me.

-Russell M. Nelson

In my experience I have seen that some of the truest mother hearts beat in the breasts of women who will not rear their own children in this life, but they know that “all things must come to pass in their time” and that they “are laying the foundation of a great work” (D&C 64:32–33). As they keep their covenants, they are investing in a grand, prestigious future because they know that “they who keep their second estate shall have glory added upon their heads for ever and ever”

-Juile B. Beck

When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman’s most sacred role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”—and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality, righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.

-Sheri L. Dew

Much that is good, much that is essential—even sometimes all that is necessary for now—can be achieved in less than ideal circumstances. So many of you are doing your very best. And when you who bear the heaviest burdens of mortality stand up in defense of God’s plan to exalt His children, we are all ready to march. With confidence we testify that the Atonement of Jesus Christ has anticipated and, in the end, will compensate all deprivation and loss for those who turn to Him. No one is predestined to receive less than all that the Father has for His children.

-D. Todd Christofferson

“Satan has unleashed a seductive campaign to undermine the sanctity of womanhood, to deceive the daughters of God and divert them from their divine destiny. He well knows women are the compassionate, self-sacrificing, loving power that binds together the human family. He would focus their interests solely on their physical attributes and rob them of their exalting roles as wives and mothers. He has convinced many of the lie that they are third-class citizens in the kingdom of God.”

-Richard G. Scott


“Woman is God’s supreme creation. Only after the earth had been formed, after the day had been separated from the night, after the waters had been divided from the land, after vegetation and animal life had been created, and after man had been placed on the earth, was woman created; and only then was the work pronounced complete and good.

“Of all the creations of the Almighty, there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth.”

-Gordon B. Hinckley

“We do not diminish the value of what women or men achieve in any worthy endeavor or career—we all benefit from those achievements—but we still recognize there is not a higher good than motherhood and fatherhood in marriage. There is no superior career, and no amount of money, authority, or public acclaim can exceed the ultimate rewards of family. Whatever else a woman may accomplish, her moral influence is no more optimally employed than here.”

 –Elder Christofferson

“History tells us very little about women; judging from its pages, one would suppose their lives were insignificant and their opinions worthless. . . . Volumes of unwritten history yet remain, the sequel to the written lives of brave and heroic men. But although the historians of the past have been neglectful of woman, and it is the exception if she be mentioned at all; yet the future will deal more generously with womankind, and the historian of the present age will find it very embarrassing to ignore woman in the records of the nineteenth century.” 

-Emmeline B. Wells

Brigham Young saw that the Relief Society could help relieve the poor and suffering and would give women opportunities to develop their talents and become more self-sufficient. He gave the Relief Society responsibilities for such large-scale Church programs as grain storage and silk production; encouraged women to open stores and receive training in medicine, business, and domestic arts; and supported giving Utah women the right to vote.

Your Heavenly Father has high aspirations for you, but your divine origin alone does not guarantee you a divine inheritance. God sent you here to prepare for a future greater than anything you can imagine.

-President Uchtdorf

Mothers literally make room in their bodies to nurture an unborn baby—and hopefully a place in their hearts as they raise them—but nurturing is not limited to bearing children. Eve was called a “mother” before she had children. I believe that “to mother” means “to give life.”

-Neill F. Marriott

When we ask ourselves, “What shall we do?” let’s ponder this question: “What does the Savior do continually?” He nurtures. He creates. He encourages growth and goodness. Women and sisters, we can do these things!

-Neill F. Marriott

Our high responsibility is to become women who follow the Savior, nurture with inspiration, and live truth fearlessly. As we ask Father in Heaven to make us builders of His kingdom, His power will flow into us and we will know how to nurture, ultimately becoming like our heavenly parents.

-Neill F. Marriott

Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.

-Sheri Dew

Elder Matthew Cowley taught that “men have to have something given to them [in mortality] to make them saviors of men, but not mothers, not women. [They] are born with an inherent right, an inherent authority, to be the saviors of human souls … and the regenerating force in the lives of God’s children.”

Motherhood is not what was left over after our Father blessed His sons with priesthood ordination. It was the most ennobling endowment He could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave women an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate. 

-         -Sheri Dew

As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation.

-Sheri Dew

Few of us will reach our potential without the nurturing of both the mother who bore us and the mothers who bear with us.

-Sheri Dew

No woman who understands the gospel would ever think that any other work is more important or would ever say, “I am just a mother,” for mothers heal the souls of men.

-         Sheri Dew

The health of any society, the happiness of its people, their prosperity, and their peace all find common roots in the teaching of children in the home.

-L. Tom Perry

It is, unfortunately, all too easy to illustrate the confusion and distortion of womanhood in contemporary society. Immodest, immoral, intemperate women jam the airwaves, monopolize magazines, and slink across movie screens—all while being celebrated by the world.

-M. Russell Ballard

Throughout the history of the world, women have always been teachers of moral values.

-M. Russell Ballard

In recent years there has been a rash of articles, books, and films written about women and girls who gossip and who are “mean.” Satan is always attempting to undermine the most precious element of a woman’s divine nature—the nature to nurture.

-M. Russell Ballard

The responsibility mothers have today has never required more vigilance. More than at any time in the history of the world, we need mothers who know.

-Julie B. Beck

Mothers who know build children into future leaders and are the primary examples of what leaders look like.

--Julie B. Beck

“Paul the apostle anciently spoke of holy women. It is the duty of each one of us to be a holy woman. We shall have elevated aims, if we are holy women. We shall feel that we are called to perform important duties. No one is exempt from them. There is no sister so isolated, and her sphere so narrow but what she can do a great deal towards establishing the Kingdom of God upon the earth”

-Eliza R. Snow

“Homemaking is surely in reality the most important work in the world. What do ships, railways, mines, cars, and governments, etc. exist for except that people may be fed, warmed, and safe in their own homes? … We wage war in order to have peace, we work in order to have leisure, we produce food in order to eat it. So your job is the one for which all others exist”

-C.S. Lewis

A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources telling her that she is entitled to more time away from her responsibilities and that she deserves a life of greater ease and independence. But with personal revelation, she can prioritize correctly and navigate this life confidently.

-Julie B. Beck

“We want to be ladies in very deed, not according to the term of the word as the world judges, but fit companions of the Gods and Holy Ones. In an organized capacity we can assist each other in not only doing good but in refining ourselves, and whether few or many come forward and help to prosecute this great work, they will be those that will fill honorable positions in the Kingdom of God. … Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time. I know we like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters? We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities.”

-Eliza R Snow

In 1935 the First Presidency stated, “The true spirit of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gives to woman the highest place of honor in human life”

Surely the secret citadel of women’s inner strength is their spirituality. In this they equal and even surpass men, as they do in faith, morality, and commitment when truly converted to the gospel. They have “more trust in the Lord [and] more hope in his word. This inner spiritual sense seems to give them a certain resilience to cope with sorrow, trouble, and uncertainty.

-James E. Faust

“Woman has comforted and nursed the Church. She has borne more than half the burdens, she has made more than half the sacrifices, she has suffered the most of the heartaches and sorrows”

President J. Reuben Clark

I wish to repeat that I do not believe that God’s purposes on earth will ever be achieved without the influence, strength, love, support, and special gifts of the elect women of God. They are entitled to our deepest veneration, our fullest appreciation, and our most profound respect. I believe angels attend them in their motherly ministry.

-James E. Faust

“To save souls opens the whole field of human activity and development. Relief of poverty, relief of illness; relief of doubt, relief of ignorance—relief of all that hinders the joy and progress of woman. What a magnificent commission!”

Elder John A. Widtsoe

May the blessings of heaven rest upon you, my dear sisters. May you not trade a present thing of transient value for the greater good of sons and daughters, boys and girls, young men and women for whose upbringing you have an inescapable responsibility.

-Gordon B. Hinckley

All the knowledge she had acquired, all her natural abilities and gifts, all her skills were channeled into an organization that had no earthly bounds. As a covenant-keeping daughter of God, she had prepared all her life for motherhood.

-Julie B. Beck

Female roles did not begin on earth, and they do not end here. A woman who treasures motherhood on earth will treasure motherhood in the world to come, and “where [her] treasure is, there will [her] heart be also” (Matt. 6:21). By developing a mother heart, each girl and woman prepares for her divine, eternal mission of motherhood. “Whatever principle of intelligence [she] attain[s] unto in this life, it will rise with [her] in the resurrection. And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through [her] diligence and obedience than another, [she] will have so much the advantage in the world to come”

-Julie B. Beck

This kind of resolute love “suffereth long, and is kind, … seeketh not her own, … but … beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” Most encouraging of all, such fidelity “never faileth.” “For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed,” Jehovah said, “but my kindness shall not depart from thee.” So too say our mothers.

Jeffrey R. Holland

To all of our mothers everywhere, past, present, or future, I say, “Thank you. Thank you for giving birth, for shaping souls, for forming character, and for demonstrating the pure love of Christ.” To Mother Eve, to Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel, to Mary of Nazareth, and to a Mother in Heaven, I say, “Thank you for your crucial role in fulfilling the purposes of eternity.”

-Jeffrey R. Holland

To all mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle—and all will—I say, “Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are. In fact, you are saviors on Mount Zion,¹³ and like the Master you follow, your love ‘never faileth.’

-Jeffrey R. Holland

My brothers and sisters, the restored gospel centers on marriage and family. It is also on marriage and family where we can unite most with other faiths. It is around marriage and family where we will find our greatest commonality with the rest of the world. It is around marriage and family that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has the greatest opportunity to be a light on the hill.

-L. Tom Perry

In the restored light of the gospel of Jesus Christ, a woman occupies a majesty all her own in the divine design of the Creator. You are, as Elder James E. Talmage once phrased it, “a sanctified investiture which none shall dare profane.” 

-Jeffrey R. Holland

Be a woman of Christ. Cherish your esteemed place in the sight of God. He needs you. This Church needs you. The world needs you. A woman’s abiding trust in God and unfailing devotion to things of the Spirit have always been an anchor when the wind and the waves of life were fiercest.⁴ I say to you what the Prophet Joseph said more than 150 years ago: “If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.”

-Jeffrey R. Holland

Women bring with them into the world a certain virtue, a divine gift that makes them adept at instilling such qualities as faith, courage, empathy, and refinement in relationships and in cultures.

-Todd D. Christofferson

Whether you are single or married, whether you have borne children or not, whether you are old, young, or in between, your moral authority is vital, and perhaps we have begun to take it and you for granted. Certainly there are trends and forces at work that would weaken and even eliminate your influence, to the great detriment of individuals, families, and society at large.

-Todd D. Christofferson

Women and girls are now encouraged to be as promiscuous as the double standard expected men to be. Where once women’s higher standards demanded commitment and responsibility from men, we now have sexual relations without conscience, fatherless families, and growing poverty. Equal-opportunity promiscuity simply robs women of their moral influence and degrades all of society.

-Todd D. Christofferson

 “The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.”

^- Margaret D. Nadauld  

“While the sisters have not been given the Priesthood, it has not been conferred upon them, that does not mean that the Lord has not given unto them authority. … A person may have authority given to him, or a sister to her, to do certain things in the Church that are binding and absolutely necessary for our salvation, such as the work that our sisters do in the House of the Lord. They have authority given unto them to do some great and wonderful things, sacred unto the Lord, and binding just as thoroughly as are the blessings that are given by the men who hold the Priesthood.”

-Joseph Fielding Smith

“When we speak of marriage as a partnership, let us speak of marriage as a full partnership. We do not want our LDS women to be silent partners or limited partners in that eternal assignment! Please be a contributing and full partner.”

-Spencer W. Kimball

“This is the place of our wives and of our mothers in the Eternal Plan. They are not bearers of the Priesthood; they are not charged with carrying out the duties and functions of the Priesthood; nor are they laden with its responsibilities; they are builders and organizers under its power, and partakers of its blessings, possessing the complement of the Priesthood powers and possessing a function as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the Priesthood itself.”

- President J. Reuben Clark

“Even though the eternal roles of men and women differ, as we indicated to you a year ago, this leaves much to be done by way of parallel personal development—for both men and women. In this connection, I stress again the deep need each woman has to study the scriptures. We want our homes to be blessed with sister scriptorians—whether you are single or married, young or old, widowed or living in a family.”

-Spencer W. Kimball

Become scholars of the scriptures—not to put others down, but to lift them up! After all, who has any greater need to “treasure up” the truths of the gospel (on which they may call in their moments of need) than do women and mothers who do so much nurturing and teaching?

-Spencer W. Kimball

The eternal blessings which are yours through membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are far, far greater than any other blessings you could possibly receive. No greater recognition can come to you in this world than to be known as a woman of God. No greater status can be conferred upon you than being a daughter of God who experiences true sisterhood, wifehood, and motherhood, or other tasks which influence lives for good.

-Spencer W. Kimball

Remember, too, as we focus on the glories and importance of family life here, that all of us belong to the eternal family of our Father in Heaven.

-Spencer W. Kimball

How special it is for Latter-day Saint women to be given the lofty assignments they have been given by our Father in Heaven, especially those of you who have been privileged to be born in this part of this last dispensation. Let other women pursue heedlessly what they perceive as their selfish interests. You can be a much needed force for love and truth and righteousness on this planet. Let others selfishly pursue false values, but God has given to you the tremendous tasks of nurturing families, friends, and neighbors.

-Spencer W. Kimball

In the October, 1942 General Conference, J. Reuben Clark, Jr. read a message from the First Presidency to the general Church membership. Under the title of PARENTHOOD, the following was said:

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Amongst His earliest commands to Adam and Eve, the Lord said: "Multiply and replenish the earth." He has repeated that command in our day. He has again revealed in this, the last dispensation, the principle of the eternity of the marriage covenant. He has restored to earth the authority for entering into that covenant, and has declared that it is the only due and proper way of joining husband and wife, and the only means by which the sacred family relationship may be carried beyond the grave and through eternity. He has declared that this eternal relationship may be created only by the ordinances which are administered in the holy temples of the Lord, and therefore that His people should marry only in His temple in accordance with such ordinances. 

The Lord has told us that it is the duty of every husband and wife to obey the command given to Adam to multiply and replenish the earth, so that the legions of choice spirits waiting for their tabernacles of flesh may come here and move forward under God's great design to become perfect souls, for without these fleshly tabernacles they cannot progress to their God-planned destiny. Thus, every husband and wife should become a father and mother in Israel to children born under the holy, eternal covenant. 

By bringing these choice spirits to earth, each father and each mother assume towards the tabernacled spirit and towards the Lord Himself by having taken advantage of the opportunity He offered, an obligation of the most sacred kind, because the fate of that spirit in the eternities to come, the blessings or punishments which shall await it in the hereafter, depend, in great part, upon the care, the teachings, the training which the parents shall give to that spirit. 

No parent can escape that obligation and that responsibility, and for the proper meeting thereof, the Lord will hold us to a strict accountability. No loftier duty than this can be assumed by mortals.

Motherhood thus becomes a holy calling, a sacred dedication for carrying out the Lord's plans, a consecration of devotion to the uprearing and fostering, the nurturing in body, mind, and spirit, of those who kept their first estate and who come to this earth for their second estate "to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them." (Abraham 3:25 ) To lead them to keep their second estate is the work of motherhood and "they who keep their second estate shall have glory added upon their heads for ever and ever." (Abr. 3:25) 

This divine service of motherhood can be rendered only by mothers. It may not be passed to others. Nurses cannot do it; public nurseries cannot do it; hired help cannot do it--only mother, aided as much as may be by the loving hands of father, brothers, and sisters, can give the full needed measure of watchful care. The mother who entrusts her child to the care of others, that she may do non-motherly work, whether for gold, for fame, or for civic service, should remember that "a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame." (Prov. 29: 15) In our day the Lord has said that unless parents teach their children the doctrines of the Church "the sin be upon the heads of the parents." (D. & C 68:25) 

Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels. To you mothers in Israel we say God bless and protect you, and give you the strength and courage, the faith and knowledge, the holy love and consecration to duty, that shall enable you to fill to the fullest measure the sacred calling which is yours. To you mothers and mothers-to-be we say: Be chaste, keep pure, live righteously, that your posterity to the last generation may call you blessed.

Being Fat is Hardly My Worst Trait

Let’s get the main points out in the open up front. Yes. I know I’m fat. No. I’m not proud of it. Yes. I wish I were thin and beautiful and the epitome of health. No. I do not want to join your clean eating group, weight loss challenge, life style adjustment, exercise contest, or anything else. Perhaps I am lazy. Perhaps I am discouraged. But, more likely, I am just imperfect in many, many ways.

You see, I have never been happy with my body. My eyes have always shied away from mirrors. I’ve never had a healthy relationship with a bathing suit. I have experimented with diet, exercise and supplements. I have restricted myself to tomato juice, or cabbage soup, or lean proteins. I have seen the pounds drop off and felt euphoric at my progress. I have changed my mindset so drastically that I have, before, felt a flutter of sickness at the sacrament bread, not wanting to consume those refined carbohydrates. I have never been a better person for it.

I have friends who have managed the weight-loss journey with much more success. I don’t mean success as a number of pounds; I mean it as a function of self-improvement. They have increased self confidence, become better parents and bumped up their energy. I have never had these benefits. With each new diet, I simply feel discouraged and obsessed. I hate the mirror more. What I do is never enough. I obsess over food to the detriment of my spirit and my family. My self-worth becomes dependent on meeting that next milestone. And then I crash. I fail. I quit and I remember how worthless I really am.

So, then, it would seem that I’m advocating for a horribly false principle. It seems that I am arguing that I am incapable of self improvement, that I cannot change, that I have no ability to define my own destiny. That’s not at all what I believe. In fact, I will bear passionate testimony of the words of President Boyd K. Packer when he said, “It is contrary to the order of heaven for any soul to be locked into compulsive, immoral behavior with no way out! It is consistent with the workings of the adversary to deceive you into believing that you are.” I am absolutely certain that change is always possible. Hard, yes, but completely possible.

So how does that jive with my pathetic excuses for remaining fat?

I also believe the words of Elder Oaks. “The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives.”

I don’t like the person I am when I diet. I don’t like obsessing over how my pants fit. I don’t like thinking about food all day until I finally am able to permit myself the selected calorie count. I don’t like being unable to climb down from the treadmill for another 20 minutes when my children need attention now. I don’t like the discouragement, the self-loathing, or the obsessive tendencies that I know are clearly discernible to my children.

The largest reason for not doing it, though, is simply that I am so imperfect in so many ways. I need to spend more time studying the scriptures. I need to spend more time reading with my struggling child. I need to spend more time tending my home. I need to spend more time working on my calling. I need to be better at budgeting and financial planning. I wish I was kinder. I wish I was more empathetic. I wish I did more service. I wish I had more time to write my personal history. I wish I did more temple work.

I admire the women who manage to do weight loss challenges and not sacrifice other priorities. I absolutely believe it’s possible. It’s just not in the cards for me right now. Please invite me to do any type of self improvement that has made a difference in your life. I am excited for you as you reach your goals. But don’t feel bad if I don’t join you. I am working on self improvement in the best ways I can. I am attempting to change, progress and improve. I just have so many different areas that I need to work on. I have decided to divert my eyes from the mirror for a few seconds every day. I loose those seconds, but not the whole day. Perhaps, as I improve myself over time, I will someday find time to prioritize my physical condition. But if not, I will at least hope that I can improve myself to the point that I can look in the mirror and love who I am, regardless of my body shape. I truly do want to be that kind of person.

I also really enjoyed this article.

Why I Have a Billion Children

My sister, who is currently working on her fifth child, likes to tell people about my seven and then call me to talk about their reactions. Responses vary from incredulous to condemning. This article is for the curious. Those who call me “irresponsible” won’t hear or consider my reasons. They will scream about carbon footprints and I will counter with curiosity about who they think is going to fund their social security payments, but neither of us will be convinced nor uplifted. This article is not for them. It is, perhaps, most for those who knew me when I was younger and wonder how the girl slated by her high school class to “conquer a small nation,” instead decided to create one.

Why do I have a billion children?

Because of what I believe. 

I was surprised, when I became an adult, to realize that the doctrine of the preexistence was not common to all Christian faiths. I believe it is one of the fundamental reasons so many Mormons decide to have large families. We believe that we are eternal beings. We existed before we were spiritually created by our Father in Heaven. We existed with him as spiritual beings before we were physically created by our Earthly parents. In heaven, we made the choice to come to Earth as the next step in our eternal progression. We are here for a variety of reasons, all having to do with God’s plan for our salvation. When we have a child, his/her spirit is not created in order to fill a physical body. We believe it is the opposite. 

How does this result in a greater desire for children? Imagine your father, who you love and revere, came to you and said, “There is a child, a member of our family. He needs a home. After considering many other options, I want you to raise him. I will make sure you have what you need financially, emotionally and physically if you are willing.” Would you say no? This is a very real parallel to our perspective on the decision to have children. When I feel the stirring in my heart that begins the consideration of whether or not to have another child, I am much less concerned with questions of practicality. I am more concerned with discovering whether or not that feeling is from God.

Does that mean that we all have to have a billion children? Of course not. Our father is loving, nurturing and all knowing. He does not give to his children equally, but each according to their individual needs. The choice to have one, two or ten babies has to be between a husband, wife, and God. But my belief in parenthood as a divine calling is fundamental to my decision to have a large family. 

Because of my love for my husband. 

Before you ask, Yes. I have heard of birth control and, No. I am not talking about that kind of love. As a young woman, I heard about being “baby hungry” and thought it meant that babies are little and cute and you wanted one. I saw it as akin to wanting a kitten. I was wrong.

After I married my husband, I discovered that my initial desire for children had nothing to do with the children themselves. I wanted a child as a natural expression of my powerful love for my husband. This is hard to describe in words. I loved him. I loved being a family with him. I wanted to be a parent with him. I wish I could explain it better.  Certainly, I fall in love with him again as I watch him being a father. Each new child only compounds that love.

Because I believe it’s best for my children.

A few years ago, I was having breakfast with a friend and her two children. Before presenting her nine-year-old with a waffle, she carefully cut it into bite sized pieces. One of my kids noticed and said, “Mom, cut my waffle.” I laughed and laughed and laughed.  

I believe that every child is given to the parent that needs them and vice versa. I believe that there are successful families in all sizes. I believe that there are a million ways to be a good mom, but none to be a perfect one.  I believe my friend’s child needed her waffle cut. Mine did not. My kids are independent, hardworking and learn service from the time they are very small. My oldest was thirteen months old when his brother was born. At that age, he learned to bring me the wipes and find his brother’s binky. Now he has the great privilege of taking care of his younger brothers and sisters in addition to himself. 

I learned as a young mother that doing everything for my kids was much easier than teaching them to do it themselves. As we welcomed more children to our family, I learned the opposite.  Some people seem to think that children do not get the love and attention they need when there are more kids to split mom’s attention. My kids disagree. They know that mom’s love is boundless and only added upon by the love they get from each other. We live in a circus, but we always have fun. 

Because I love this life.

Yesterday, I was trying to get my house cleaned up for guests. It made me a bit distracted. My three year old colored the stairs I had just vacuumed with sidewalk chalk. My three littlest worked together to move the contents of the spice cupboard to the oven. I did not know this when I preheated it to make bread. I found two of my bathroom toilets clogged with an entire roll of toilet paper each. Those are just the major things, I won’t detail spilled cereal bowls or sticky fingerprints. After putting the babies to bed, I sat down to watch a movie with my husband, which was interrupted half a dozen times by my four year old who couldn’t sleep. When we finally stumbled, exhausted, downstairs to bed, we found all five of our children who don’t sleep in cribs passed out with their blankets on the floor of our room.  

And do you know what? I wouldn’t change it for the world. 

Motherhood is my masterpiece. It is my passion. It is the greatest joy that I could ever imagine. It saps my brain, exhausts my body, and denies me the things I once thought I loved. But I don’t think I’ve truly sacrificed a thing. Giving up something good for something better is not a sacrifice. I don’t care that my house isn’t clean. I don’t regret the lack of time for decorating or vacationing. I don’t miss my teenage body or the great things I was once sure I could do for the world. I believe there is nothing more important than what I’m doing. I am convinced that success is measured in happiness.   I couldn’t be more successful. 

I have a billion kids because they make me happy.

On Motherhood: Uplift. Encourage. Inspire.

There’s  a saying being passed around various social media. It’s always some permutation of this: “A woman who loses a husband is a widow. A child who loses a parent is an orphan. There is no word for a mother who loses a child because language is not sufficient to describe this kind of pain.” Is the loss of a child the most excruciating experience of this life? From my perspective, it certainly could be. I do not mean to diminish or question the agony that accompanies saying goodbye to such pure love. But, I don’t believe the pain has anything to do with the lack of a title afforded to those who are its victims. 

May I suggest   that the reason there is no word for a woman who loses a child is because our language is old, and, until very recently, such a woman was known simply as a mother. If there is a surprise here, it’s that there is no word for a woman who has never lost a child. In generations past, she was the anomaly. She was the outlier. She was the one who must be separated from the flock, not for her trial, but for the obvious grace she had been given from God. 

My sweet grandmother was the sixth of nine children, three boys and six girls. In her personal history she wrote of her overwhelming desire to never cause her parents hurt and worry. She felt they had suffered enough because their oldest four children, including all of their sons, never made it to adulthood. Later in her life, she would face her greatest trial when her first baby was born prematurely and only lived twenty-six hours.

I don’t pretend to understand the pain of losing a child. I have carried seven children in my body and I currently have seven children sleeping under my roof. Among my beloved miracles is a daughter who was born at the same period of gestation as my grandmother’s oldest. Instead of planning a funeral, I brought my lovely daughter home after only a week in the hospital. She’s a perfectly happy and healthy two-year-old. The only real difference in my experience and my grandmother’s was two generations of time. 

Advances in medical technology, standards of living, vaccinations, and sanitation have completely changed the world in only a few years. I can only imagine what the women of a few generations ago would say, if they could see their progeny. I imagine that they would cry tears of joy for the miraculous recoveries and the long lives of the children born to our generation. I can’t help but wonder, however, how they would feel about the way we approach parenting, now that we no longer need fear the loss of our precious little ones. 

And now we’re getting to the point of all this reflection. Grandma summed it up in a few simple words when she said, “On November 15, 1938, we had our first child, born at the LDS hospital in Salt Lake, but she was premature and only lived 26 hours.  We felt like we were really being tried, but we never lost our faith and took our problems as they came.  Here I want to express my gratitude to my dear parents for the love and help they gave us during this time and my gratitude also goes to Lewis and Eulalia Anderson for their concern for us in those early years of our marriage, and for the support and help that they gave us.” 

I look at those words, “love, support, help,” and my heart breaks as I consider the culture of competition, condemnation, and bitterness that so many of us have embraced. I have come to dislike the “mom blog” mentality more than I can describe. It seems like every time I turn around, there is another hot-button issue. Making your kids hug grandparents sets them up for being victims of molestation. Bottle feeding your kids means you don’t love them. Using disposable diapers causes allergies. Co-sleeping causes SIDS. Co-sleeping prevents SIDS. Sacrificing to pay for expensive, academic preschools is what selfless parents do. You should love your spouse more than your kids. You should put your kids’ needs before your spouse.  You should  (or should not) give your kids vitamin supplements. You have to buy organic foods. Homeschooling damages your child’s ability to socialize. Public schools are indoctrination mills. Teach your child to share.  A no-share policy teaches respect for other’s rights and eliminates the dangerous entitlement mentality. Starting solids earlier prevents/causes food allergies. Epidurals are for the weak and selfish. Make your beds every day. Real moms have dirty houses. Have a lot of kids. Space them out. Crying it out. Scheduling. Attachment. Independence. Home birth/water birth. Doctor/Doula/Midwife. And on and on and on.

Every time I turn around, someone is not only advocating their own expertise, but condemning the other perspective as “bad parenting.” I have been as guilty a perpetrator as any. I desperately love my children and want to raise them the best way possible. But, the older I get, the more convinced I am that the most dangerous thing I do as a parent is buying into the idea that there is a perfect way to raise children. In the end, these things matter so little. There are millions of ways to be a good mother, and none to be a perfect one. 

Being a mother is truly the greatest and hardest of life’s experiences. And we are truly the most privileged and blessed generation of mothers. But in my mind, I can see my grandmother, surrounded by her sisters in motherhood, supporting and loving each other through life’s most difficult trial. I can also see the women of my generation angrily typing their soap boxes into social media, sacrificing love and support in favor of fighting for what they consider to be advocating for the children. Except that I am convinced the children are more damaged by the battle than benefited by the advocacy. 

Motherhood is about love, compassion, and patience. Can’t we extend a little of that for the other women who share our joys and trials?  Isn't that what it truly means to have a mother's heart? We are all doing our very best. We all love our little ones so much. We truly need each other.

The problem with honesty

If movie, television and books are to be believed, honesty is the most important aspect of any relationship. I certainly thought it was when I got married. People ought to be honest with one another. In our more recent culture, that has been changed to brutally, cruelly honest. In our current estimation of virtue, it seems that we value truth over kindness, compassion and love. I, therefore, found it a bit of an adjustment to find myself in love with a man who didn’t like to share.

At the time, I was quite insecure. I didn’t think I was beautiful or thin enough to be what a man truly wanted and I was worried that soon after getting married, my husband would realize that he could have done better. I had observed the dynamic in several other couples. I knew that it was normal for a man to admit his wife’s faults or even talk about his attraction to other women in front of her. These things, after all, constitute honesty, which is to be valued over all. 

My husband was never honest with me, as I saw it. If we were watching a movie together and I pointed out how beautiful the actress was, he would scoff and make comments such as, “What are you talking about, she looks nothing like you.” I found it endearing, but also frustrating. I knew he was lying to me and that bothered me.

Fourteen years later, I have realized that my husband’s constant insistence that I was perfect, was the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. You see, what he really gave me was the gift of being unsure. He tells me that my rounded curves and extra padding make up, “the most beautiful body in the world.” He tells me I don’t need make up and my hair is gorgeous in a ponytail. He tells me I am as lovely as the day he met me and he adores me more now than then. He tells me every other woman pales in comparison and he will never be worthy of me. Is he truly so deluded? I DON’T KNOW. When I was young, I was certain he was lying out of love for me. But years and years of hearing something can leave you wondering whether or not it’s actually true.

The greatest gift my husband ever gave me was to make it so that I don’t know whether or not he is being honest. Because somewhere in my heart there’s a part of me that whispers, “Maybe he’s telling the truth.” Why is that uncertainly so important? Because the young woman I was at the beginning of this marriage had no idea it was possible to be loved like that. I do.

Miracles are Far from Rare

 

I pray for my children constantly. They are my whole world and I am desperately struggling to make the decisions that will set them up for happiness throughout life. But once in a while I find myself facing a problem that I simply have no idea how to solve and all the googling in the world doesn't seem to help. Yesterday, I found myself in such a situation. One of my kids is going through a trial and I had no clue how to make it better. Where the internet failed, I turned to my Heavenly Father. I poured my heart out to him and asked for help.

This morning I hauled myself out of bed and wandered out to the elliptical machine. My ipad was perched on top, where it has been for days. You see, that thing has a herculean battery. I use it to read as I exercise (clearly not very well) and if I leave it there, it will only lose a couple percentages a day in battery life. It was in the eighties yesterday. This morning, it was completely dead. I couldn't possibly ride that silly machine for twenty minutes without a book, so I irritably wandered upstairs to the library.

When we moved into this house, the old owners left a few books behind. I love books. I collect them and have since I was in junior high school. The library had plenty of room, so I never bothered to even go through the books to see if any of them were worth reading. I haven't had much time for reading lately. As I perused the collection, my eye fell on a book I had never noticed before, one left behind by the old owners. It said something about left-brained kids. At that moment, I heard one of the kids walking up the stairs and realized that I had to hurry if I was going to exercise before it was time to get them out the door to school. I grabbed the book and rushed downstairs.

I spent a few minutes programming the elliptical and getting into a rhythm, and then opened the book to the "forward." It was a description of the author going through a struggle with her son. Immediately, phrases started jumping off the page as each sentence contained the very keywords I had been searching on the internet. My breathing sped up as my movement on the elliptical slowed down. I felt tears forming in my eyes that I immediately wiped away so I could see the pages. I never finished my twenty minutes exercising. I sat on the floor and read my story through the eyes of a different mother.

One thing you have to understand about miracles is that they are never immediate. My child's struggle isn't going to go away because I read a book. No, the real miracle here isn't that I now have a magical formula to fix every problem in our home. The miracle is that Heavenly Father heard my prayer and took the time to speak back. Do you know what he said? He told me, "I love you. I hear you. And I want you to know that I love that child as much as you do. We'll help him together."

And miracles like that happen ALL the time.