Essays on Love-Volume 2
Or
Marriage is awesome, you should try it.
Or
A note to single people who are too scared to make a commitment
Since this blog is for the stated purpose of exposing lies,
I thought it was time for me to expose the greatest conspiracy known to
mankind. It’s a lie you’ve been told your whole life. It’s a lie that is
accepted as truth in almost every kind of media and our daily conversations. It
is a sick, sad lie that, like most lies, can become true if we believe it. It’s a
lie that I once believed with my whole heart because it was so ubiquitous in our
culture. In fact, I don’t know that
there has ever been a more destructive lie told through the history of
time.
Here are some examples of places it has appeared:
The
Bride Came C.O.D.
(1941)
“Marriage is like an institution. So
is Alcatraz"
Look
Who's Laughing
Law & Order (1990)
Clothes
in the Wardrobe
(1993)
I
Love Lucy (1951)
Shall I go on? By the time I made it to eighteen, I was
absolutely certain of a few different things when it came to marriage. I was
sure that men were incapable of being faithful in their hearts, even if they
technically managed it. I was sure that romance disappeared quickly after vows
were made. I was sure that unhappiness was inevitable and had to be worked
through. I had been so exposed to the lie that marriage is a nearly-impossible
sacrifice that I was scared to death of it. It wasn’t just the TV that
convinced me of this. Well meaning people love to tell you that fairytale
endings don’t exist, that marriage is hard work, and that the happiness you find in being married is
an eventuality, not for the here and now. Just last year, all my friends were
passing around a deep and meaningful blog about how “Marriage isn’t for you.” It’s for your spouse and your children. Fortunately, by that time, I understood the lie.
When I met my husband, I was kind of horrible to him. I was
convinced that men were cruel, selfish, and all about the moment. Although I
believed him when he said he loved me, I also knew, as society had taught me,
that love couldn’t make it past marriage. It is almost unbelievable that I was
so cynical considering that I was surrounded by happily married couples,
including my parents. But the media is a
very powerful tool and I was sure that happiness was not a fairytale, but a complacence.
I broke up with Nathan every week or so. I flat out refused
him when he brought up marriage. I loved his kindness, gloried in his
compliments, and passionately adored him more, the more I learned about him. But I
could not marry him. In fact, Heavenly Father had to hit me over the head with
a proverbial brick of revelation to get me to accept his proposals. Even then,
when I knew that it was the right thing to do, I didn’t want to. Determined to
be found accepting of the Lord’s will, I decided to jump into the marriage with
both feet. I did so, and landed…
…in the fairytale.
My husband was/is loving, attentive, supportive and
faithful. He made me feel beautiful every day. He appreciated my talents.
He supported me through my disappointments. He made, and makes, me happy. I was twenty-one when I married Nathan. I’m thirty-four now. Fourteen years isn’t that long compared
to eternity. It isn’t even that long compared to the marriages of some of the people
around me. But it is long enough to convince me that everything I knew about
marriage was wrong. Let me share just a few truths I’ve learned since becoming
a Mrs.
Is marriage hard?
No. Life is hard, and if you're married, then that is part
of life. But life without marriage is much harder. I discovered this on my
honeymoon and have never looked back. I was shocked by the feelings of
contentment that came with commitment. All of the stress melted away and our
relationship got much better, not worse as TV would have you believe, with
commitment. I promised Nate on that honeymoon that I would never even bring up
divorce, it just wasn't an option. But that whole conversation was unnecessary.
I have never even thought about divorce. I get so frustrated with people saying
that they "want to finish college first." Sometimes there is
something else in their lives that they need to get through. It's stupid.
College, indeed all challenges we face, are so much better within a loving marriage.
Are all men unfaithful?
No. When I was first married, I doubted my husband’s
insistence that no one was as beautiful as I was. I thought he was lying to me
when he told me that this or that actress with the perfect body could never
compare to me. In the years since then, I’ve realized that we don’t all embrace
the world’s idea of physical beauty. If you love someone, really love someone,
your perception of beauty changes to match the reality of the person you love.
I am far from the perfect physical specimen but I have come to believe that he
sees perfection when he looks at me, as I see it when I look at him. There is
such thing as a man who is faithful, even in his heart.
Does arguing with one another mean you are unhappy?
No. Honestly, I think the only couple that doesn’t argue is
one where one spouse is so much smarter than the other that he/she defers
automatically. This seems absolutely miserable in my mind. Who wants to be
married to someone who isn’t their equal? My husband and I disagree all the
time. We expand each other, enlighten each other and challenge each other. Sometimes
we get angry. Sometimes I want to bite his face. But happiness does not require
complete harmony. It only requires that the preponderance of the time be
uplifting.
Does getting married mean an end to romance?
No. And the rest is none of your business. :-)
Is every marriage happy?
No. At least, I assume not. But I still maintain that the
lies about marriage perpetuated by our culture are lies. Unfortunately those
lies have had the effect of self-fulfilling prophesy for some people, twisting
marriage into something that it isn't. Men are told that they aren't supposed
to be faithful, so they're not. Women are told that they are supposed to be
unhappy, so they are. It's as cunning an evil plan as could be perpetrated on
what is, and always has been, the key to true happiness. The truth is that the
condition of a marriage is what people believe it to be. So, waiting and
fearing it sets you up for failure. That is why people who live together first
are so much more likely to divorce. They were unwilling to commit in the first
place.
Is Marriage a trial for us to get through?
Yes, but only in the same sense that having money is a
trial. It comes with its own challenges and lessons that we must work through
to find true happiness. Still, on the whole, I’d rather have that trial than
live without it.
If it’s so wonderful, why do so many people divorce?
I am not an expert in anything. I have absolute sympathy for those who have dealt with the trials of infidelity, abuse and heartbreak. But the truth is that these situations are the exception, not the rule. The truth is that there is absolutely nothing in this life
that can bring more joy, satisfaction, self-esteem and contentment than being
married to your best friend. The truth is that the trials we will inevitably
face are easier when you have someone facing them with you. The truth is that
the only way to glimpse heaven is through the love that you share within a
family unit. The truth is that making marriage into something to be feared,
rather than anticipated, is a big part Satan’s clever plan to make you miserable.
But you don’t have to believe me…
“My
most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to
marry me.”
-Winston Churchill
“My husband and I are best of friends first and foremost. We
fight like cats and dogs, but never stay mad for long. I was lucky to find him,
he is in every way, my soulmate.”
-Carnie Wilson
“Happiness is only real when shared."
-Jon Krakauer
"Making you happy makes me happy, and that's not hard
because you're a happy person."
-My husband
“I love this beautiful
woman. Here's to another 41 years together.”
-My Dad
"I
am grateful to be able to say that in our long life together I cannot
remember a serious quarrel. Small differences occasionally, yes, but
nothing of a serious nature. I believe our marriage has been as idyllic
as anyone’s could possibly be.
"I
recognize that many of you are similarly blessed, and I compliment you
most warmly, for when all is said and done there is no association
richer than the companionship of husband and wife, and nothing more
portentous for good or evil than the unending consequences of marriage."
-Gordon B. Hinckley
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